I’m pacing around my long driveway yelling at God, asking the question I have asked several times, “Why did you create me like this?”
This was a normal sight for me in high school. I was convinced that I was a mistake. My emotions were all over the place, and I took the blame for the hurt that my friends felt. I was a disease.
This lie made up the foundation for the belief that I held. God can use me to help people, but I am beyond help. When I think about that now, I almost laugh. How can I show someone else the healing power of Christ when I have yet to accept it? I came to Evangel University in the fall of 2011 unaware of what God was going to do. I knew that I was called into ministry, but I still lived in the darkness of self-hate.
I kept my most painful secret hidden until I was eighteen—I was molested for three years of my life. This took place during the ages of six to nine. I didn’t tell anyone until Fall break my freshman year at Evangel. I kept this fact hidden for so long because I was convinced that if I told anyone, they would think I was a freak or a weirdo.
My story is not the stereotypical one. I was molested by someone who was only three years older than me and the same gender I am. The awesome thing about this is God’s timing. I told someone after I was already in counseling at Evangel. This way, I had already built a trust with someone who had the tools to help me with this hurt. Dealing with this hurt is what gave me the tools to recognize the lies that Satan had told me for so long.
In the Spring of 2012, I forgave the girl who molested me. This act was what broke the chains of self-hate. I was able to say the past hurts, but it is only the past. God gave me joy in that moment. The ironic thing was I didn’t have joy before, and my name is Joye. God knew that I would wind up being joyful, and my name was his promise that it would happen because now I embody my name. I can relate to those who believe God had an off day when they were created because that was me.
The cool thing is that is not me anymore! Yes, I still struggle with these thoughts from time to time, but they no longer have power over me because I know that they are lies! I am called by the most high God who has amazing things in store for me. He uses what the enemy intended for evil for good. He has transformed me!
Now, I have a passion for people who see themselves as mistakes. My goal is to let people know that they are valuable. My heart is for the broken and rejected. I can truly say I understand, but I can also say this doesn’t have to be you forever.
If you need to talk to someone regarding sexual assault, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673.